Hello world.
Unfortunately, I have a very emotional story to tell today. Last night, I had a dream of someone, that I'd love to forget. This is the first time I've thought of her in months, but it just shows, I still carry that burning torch. And it is one, that I wish to be rid of.
This is a story of unrequited love.
And one, that even now, I find hard to even talk about.
Sometimes, you meet a magic person. A person that's pieces just fit so perfectly with your broken ones. That is "my" person. Her energy surrounded me, and made everything feel the way it should have been. And the one person that I gave full reign of me. As to say, the key to the castle where all the forbidden dark closets lie. I had no desire to hold anything back from this person. Were I the city of Jericho, she was Joshua with his ram's horn.
Our story starts back in the year of our Lord, 2005. We were both 18 years old.
The first time we met, I don't believe we said 3 words to each other. That could have been partly because of the large amount of alcohol consumed. Back in that day, every Friday night, we--my group of friends and I--would shuffle to Dano's house, drink heavily, and then stumble to the local night club, Necto. By that night's end, her and I were laid out on Dano's futon. This person, I had never met before, and didn't remember her name laid together, both hoovering on the edges of consciousness. At the time, though I was slightly uncomfortable, I was just happy to lay my alcohol addled brain down. Now, hmm.. I suppose I find it funny.
That semester, her and I became very, very close. Despite our significant other's liking. It was an instant understanding, and closeness.
Another one of those Dano-Friday-night-drink-fests, a large group of us decided to play spin-the-bottle. Stupid really, but there was a "ah-huh" moment that night. There must have been 10-15 of us playing. Lots of friendly kisses exchanged. Ex-gf sat to my left, "Her" to my right, and her girlfriend to her right. At some point, one of us spun, and it landed on the other. Even after all of these years, I remember that moment very distinctly. We leaned in, and barely brushed lips, when on either side of us, girlfriends pulled us apart, and planted their own kisses in place. I swear, it played out like one of those silly moments in a movie. I remember being annoyed and that very intense display of jealousy on ex-gf's part. Until I realized, that both significant other's was worried of our closeness. Ah-huh.
That semester ended, I moved to a different dorm to live here during the summer, ex-gf went back to her parents, and "Her" went to home to her parents. But oh the glories of the internet. Over that summer we had a near constant communication through instant messenger, and in some regards became even closer. That summer was when I realized that I felt something deep, and secret for her. Not exactly honorable, since I was with ex-gf. In hopes of making the silliness go away, I told a friend about it. He told me to *never* tell ex-gf. He was so serious, and all I had wanted was him to laugh at me.
It came to not matter, because that next school year, "Her" was transferring to a different school. C'est la vie.
Years go by, and it's now 2007. I'm 21 years old now. And recently broken up with ex-gf. I was young, and wild, and free.
Then, out of the blue, she calls me. Over the last few years, since she transferred schools, I believe we talked 3-or-4 times, and now for some strange reason, she shows back up in my life. And she came to visit me, helping me move. It was this visit that most of the trouble starts. See, I had put those underlying feelings out of my head, and now, they were starting to bubble up again.
One of the nights she was staying with me during that visit, we went to our old stomping grounds, Necto. A few drinks, a few cloves, dancing... re-connecting as friends. Had nothing else happened that night, it would have been a fun night, and my life right now would be so much different than it is at this moment. But that wasn't the path that was set before me.
As crowded night clubs go, eventually you'll get bumped, or pushed into other people. And that's exactly what happened. I was pushed into her, but instead of just laughing and moving to an appropriate distance again, she held me in place. Locked eyes, and inches away. I'm not sure if it was an eternity or a few seconds, but she kissed me. And held me there. And it's the place that I've always wanted to be in... that perfect moment. A place that lasts forever but is far too brief. If I could live in that moment, I would be happy for the rest of my life. The problem is, that I do live in that moment, and it is destroying me.
After that night, there were a few more visits over the remainder of that summer. But once the new semester started, it's like I didn't exist. And the cracking of my soul started. It was about this time I started to drink very-VERY heavily. Just to numb myself of feeling anything. But that's how it went for a few years, visits where she made me feel like the center of her universe, and then nothing. And I just drank more-and-more to feel less-and-less.
I saw a few people over the last couple years, but nothing has or can compare to what I felt/feel for "Her." I've tried too. But in all honestly, I was taken out to sea, and left to float in the middle of nothingness.
Yes, I have skimmed over a lot of things. A lot. But I don't have it in me to tell those stories right now. This is an incredibly emotionally draining story to tell.
But to bring us to the present, her and I haven't talked in a year. She is now married.
And I'm trying to move on. To repair the damage. But one thing I can say is, I will never be able to give of myself to another person the way I did with her. I don't have it in me to be able to.
So for now, that's part of the story.
I promise an funny story next entry.
--L
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Friday, January 6, 2012
Week 1
Hello my lovely followers! I hope thus far 2012 has been treating you well.
I have to say I was not one bit sad to see '11 end. What a terrible year it was. A slew of health problems plagued myself, my family and my friends. What with my shoulder surgery, and my arthritis taking an incredible turn for the worst, my mother's shattered ankle, and pulmonary embolism, my grandparent's constant in-and-out of the hospital, and Allen's nearly dying from a horrible lung infection... sign. Yeah, 2011 can bite me.
On top of that, I have had the misfortune of finding out a very dear friend of mine is HIV positive. My heart breaks over this. I know I'll be the most supportive I can to them, and probably become a crazy prevention advocate... wait, I already am. Regardless, I worry for all my other friends, and you, my dear readers. So be you gay, straight, male, female, whatever... pleasepleaseplease get tested, and practice safe sex. There's no reason for this horrible virus to continue to be spread. Bellow there is a link to a wonderful non-profit in the Ann Arbor area. They offer testing, information and support groups.
http://hivaidsresource.org/
I hope this never has to be a reality for anyone else. But know that no matter if we've been friends since pre-school or have never met, I'm hear to listen, and offer whatever support I can.
~~~~~
Ok, getting off my soapbox now...
I promised a few days ago my plans for the next year and a few stories of New Years past.
This year, my resolution is/was to actively work to improve my mental state. It is no surprise or secret that I've been circling the drain for quite sometime. I haven't been going to counseling and the medication I'm on doesn't exactly work. But these things need to change. I know counseling isn't in my near future, but getting a different medication regiment is something I can do. That and writing. Near and my other side projects. At least trying to direct some of my energy outwardly should and does help a little. The plan is to write 3 entries a week. I can say now, they aren't all going to be humorous. I have some demons that are rather dark, and I know that committing to writing often will spur some very sad entries. Definitely some old stories that I need to share and--hopefully--stop dwelling on.
Story time.
On my drive back to Ann Arbor New Year's Eve, I began to ponder how many years back I can remember to what I was doing for the end of the year. So, here we go:
2012-- Driving/In my car at midnight, then spent playing Skyrim
2011-- At Aut bar with Matt, Allen and Julia.
2010-- Dinner with Matt and last minute re-invitation to Amber's "party"
2009-- Pajama party at my apt with Matt, AP, Marc, Joey and Wes.
2008-- In Ferndale for Ellen's house party, then a 3 hour drive back to Ann Arbor in a snow storm with Meredith. Followed by an epic World of Warcraft play session. Then Fran came to visit for the day, and we went sledding.
2007-- With ex-gf and ex-college friends at ex-gf house party. Which I eventually bailed on to get drunken Fleetwood--whoops.
2006-- I have no memory of this night!!!! When consulting my friend Dano on what we may have done on that night, he responded, "Get drunk?" Thanks Dano......
2005-- Went to a *huge* house party, where my ex-gf and I first kissed, and then shortly thereafter dated for nearly 2 1/2 years.
2004-- Karaoke party with a boy from high school, my friend Ellen, and--I believe--AP.
2003-- Unsuccessfully sneaking into a bar with an ex-friend. This particular ex-friend will come up later on in posts as the worst human being in the world.
Well.... I'd say that's pretty impressive how many I can remember! 2006 has been driving me crazy for near-on a week now. But who cares, right?
Sorry for a boring entry. I'll rack my brain for a better story to tell next entry. For now, I'm going to sleep. I wish you all a good weekend, and a better year.
Hearts and kisses,
--L
I have to say I was not one bit sad to see '11 end. What a terrible year it was. A slew of health problems plagued myself, my family and my friends. What with my shoulder surgery, and my arthritis taking an incredible turn for the worst, my mother's shattered ankle, and pulmonary embolism, my grandparent's constant in-and-out of the hospital, and Allen's nearly dying from a horrible lung infection... sign. Yeah, 2011 can bite me.
On top of that, I have had the misfortune of finding out a very dear friend of mine is HIV positive. My heart breaks over this. I know I'll be the most supportive I can to them, and probably become a crazy prevention advocate... wait, I already am. Regardless, I worry for all my other friends, and you, my dear readers. So be you gay, straight, male, female, whatever... pleasepleaseplease get tested, and practice safe sex. There's no reason for this horrible virus to continue to be spread. Bellow there is a link to a wonderful non-profit in the Ann Arbor area. They offer testing, information and support groups.
http://hivaidsresource.org/
I hope this never has to be a reality for anyone else. But know that no matter if we've been friends since pre-school or have never met, I'm hear to listen, and offer whatever support I can.
~~~~~
Ok, getting off my soapbox now...
I promised a few days ago my plans for the next year and a few stories of New Years past.
This year, my resolution is/was to actively work to improve my mental state. It is no surprise or secret that I've been circling the drain for quite sometime. I haven't been going to counseling and the medication I'm on doesn't exactly work. But these things need to change. I know counseling isn't in my near future, but getting a different medication regiment is something I can do. That and writing. Near and my other side projects. At least trying to direct some of my energy outwardly should and does help a little. The plan is to write 3 entries a week. I can say now, they aren't all going to be humorous. I have some demons that are rather dark, and I know that committing to writing often will spur some very sad entries. Definitely some old stories that I need to share and--hopefully--stop dwelling on.
Story time.
On my drive back to Ann Arbor New Year's Eve, I began to ponder how many years back I can remember to what I was doing for the end of the year. So, here we go:
2012-- Driving/In my car at midnight, then spent playing Skyrim
2011-- At Aut bar with Matt, Allen and Julia.
2010-- Dinner with Matt and last minute re-invitation to Amber's "party"
2009-- Pajama party at my apt with Matt, AP, Marc, Joey and Wes.
2008-- In Ferndale for Ellen's house party, then a 3 hour drive back to Ann Arbor in a snow storm with Meredith. Followed by an epic World of Warcraft play session. Then Fran came to visit for the day, and we went sledding.
2007-- With ex-gf and ex-college friends at ex-gf house party. Which I eventually bailed on to get drunken Fleetwood--whoops.
2006-- I have no memory of this night!!!! When consulting my friend Dano on what we may have done on that night, he responded, "Get drunk?" Thanks Dano......
2005-- Went to a *huge* house party, where my ex-gf and I first kissed, and then shortly thereafter dated for nearly 2 1/2 years.
2004-- Karaoke party with a boy from high school, my friend Ellen, and--I believe--AP.
2003-- Unsuccessfully sneaking into a bar with an ex-friend. This particular ex-friend will come up later on in posts as the worst human being in the world.
Well.... I'd say that's pretty impressive how many I can remember! 2006 has been driving me crazy for near-on a week now. But who cares, right?
Sorry for a boring entry. I'll rack my brain for a better story to tell next entry. For now, I'm going to sleep. I wish you all a good weekend, and a better year.
Hearts and kisses,
--L
Sunday, January 1, 2012
11 months, 20 days
Just wanted to send out a quick Happy New Year and a thanks for reading. Later tonight, ill have a real post. About ghosts of new years past and plans for the coming year.
With that said, I have to go to sleep now so I can actually function at work tomorrow. Granted, the rest of my coworkers will be hungover, maybe I can pretend to be and get away with just a lack of sleep because of video game abuse. Time will tell.
Well, goodnight my little droogies,
L
With that said, I have to go to sleep now so I can actually function at work tomorrow. Granted, the rest of my coworkers will be hungover, maybe I can pretend to be and get away with just a lack of sleep because of video game abuse. Time will tell.
Well, goodnight my little droogies,
L
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